My Wish

Times like this make me wanna get in the car, blast the loudest rebellious music I can find, pick you up, and keep driving in no particular direction just to see what adventures we encounter never once to stop and think it through.


I cannot wait for when I can do this.

Forever a Kid

When you're young, there seems to be one question people always ask: What do you want to be when you grow up? The expected reply is to say what occupation or career you want to have when you reach your adult years, but what does it really mean to "grow up"? To me, that phrase connotes being overly stressed, obsessed with work, and out of touch with having fun. With this in mind, why would you want to grow up? I heard my younger brother say the other day that he can't wait until he's grown.

Personally, I never want to grow up. I want to continue to do what it is I love everyday. I want to still have those stupid butterflies when I've been married for 30 years because I still would be really happy when my husband looked at me. I want to enjoy cartoons on Saturday mornings while eating my breakfast even if I have kids that are no longer interested in them. I don't want my job to feel like a job, I want it to be something that excites me daily. Most of all, I want to keep the unique outlook on the world that only children can have.

I know growing old is inevitable, but I want to chose to never grow up.

Ya know, when you're in the habit of doing things just cause you want to and not caring about the outcome or consequences, life is pretty easy. But once you start to actually make good decisions and caring about the example you're setting, life gets much more complicated.

Now that I'm starting to get some things right again, a new fear has risen up in me. I'm terrified to screw up like I have before. I'm scared that I'll ruin one of the best things I have right now over a stupid choice down the line. Honestly, if that happens, I don't think I could handle it. But most of all, I have a fear of letting down all the people that expect things from and even look up to me.

In Your Eyes

When will I finally be growing up in your eyes? There is so much potential going for me right now, but it's being held back from me because of you. I'm so close to being an adult but at the same time still young enough to enjoy the things in life I'll never get again. This is the time for me to be making the memories that I'll long to relive for the rest of my life. What am I going to have to look back on if you prevent me from starting to get my taste of the world? I'm at an age where I could own and drive a car, have a job, even drop out of high school and move out on my own if I wanted to. I could be doing so much more with my life, but you are constantly standing in my way. I know you miss the days of me being dependent on you and needed you with me a lot of the time. It's time for you to learn, though, that you should start letting go some. How am I going to make it in the world on my own in a couple years if I don't start going out in it now? I think it's due time for your image of me in your eyes to start to change to who I am not and not the little girl with pigtails I was then.

Tu me manques

The days we're together are like mere seconds, but the days we're apart are years. Come back.

...

I miss you so much. Why can't it be as simple as let's just hang out tonight?

Which path in which direction with which reflection?

I don't even know anymore. Who I am. Where I'm going. It all seems so foreign to me. Why can't I just show my emotions anymore? Show my boyfriend the strong feelings of what could be love for him. Go off on someone who makes me mad. Give the biggest smile ever to those who make me happy. Hug the ones I miss. Cry over events that sadden me. All this used to be me. I even used to have everything figured out and just waiting on me to get to it. Is this same girl still inside somewhere? Is she hidden by a mirage? Or have I become something different? When will I figure this out? When will I quit drastically changing on the inside? When will I finally know who I am. And more importantly: how can I get to where the real me is?

La vita è come una farfalla

Life is like a butterfly.
You come and live a short time as a caterpillar.
Then when your time is up, you form your cacoon and go to sleep.
In that sleep, you morph into something else.
Everything you knew and what others knew of you is gone.
But then your spirit is free and you soar for eternity.
Life is like a butterfly.

RIP Brandon. We all miss you and can't wait to see you again one day.

Hmm....

High school. The years. How crazy they get even if you're not involved. Yep. Some aspects make me excited for college. Others make me never wanna leave. Just when you think you have it figured out it takes another twist. I wonder what will happen next...

Persone

People. Its amazing how they change. I wonder at times if the changes even I go through are for the better. Or even I'm the only who has changed and everyone else has stayed the same. Hm....

It's 2011 :o

So another year has ended and a brand new one has started. Tends to happen every 365-6 days. I know I haven't posted in a while so I'm going to do a recap of 2010 from my vantage point. I feel like so much happened last year so this will be kind of a closure thing for me for last year.

I had finally made it through my first semester of my freshman year and started to finally get what high school is about and how to survive it. Lost some friends at the end of the year plus my boyfriend at the time, gained some new friends over the summer though. I had such an amazing experience at a summer camp. I not only set my Christian life in motion but also met some people I know I'll never forget. One of my best friends moved back and now is my neighbor. Not long after, I began my sophomore year. One of my friends I have pretty much grown up with even though we weren't that close went to her heavenly home. A few weeks after, I got to see one of those new friends I know I'll never forget for a weekend. Once school started, my social life had really taken off again. Not much happened until the holidays and of course there was family drama. Probably came close to failing a class, but also became very focused on school work.

All in all, I suppose you can say I lost friends, but then gained friends. Fell out of love, and am most likely falling for another. Had my good times, and those where I thought my world was coming to an end. Through all of that, I would love to say thank you to all the people in the past year who have helped me get through this crazy little thing called life. If it wasn't for them, who knows where I would be today? So here's a thank you and I love you.

Since it is the new year, I feel like its a time to reflect but to also look towards the future. I haven't really thought of a resolution yet but I do have a few goals I would like to complete this year. One of them is to improve as much as possible in my studies. Another is to improve more as a Christian and being that example people need as well as someone people know they can come to talk or ask about God. I would also like to be a better friend. I feel like sometimes I'm not up to par with that area. Lastly, a goal I have for myself as of right now is for that one person to know how I feel towards him and that it'd be returned. And of course that we could be together even though that seems impossible right now.

I mainly needed to get all that out. If anyone read this, you really didn't have to. It was just a release of thoughts for me. But if you did, I'll let you know I'm done now.

<3ox

(Hearts, hugs and kisses)